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« Yaya's Blog

Chaz woke up. His throat and face were sticky and his scrabbly tongue was stuck securely to the roof of his mouth. He felt as if his whole world had been turned on a 90 degree angle, mainly because he was lying face down on the ground. He suddenly felt a swift kick to his kidneys, followed by a wettening in his nether regions.
“Stupid ******* plankers”, murmured the unseen figure that kicked him.
“Try owling”.
And with that, Chaz blacked out again.
***
He woke up again; still French-kissing the dirt, his tongue still caught in place, the only difference really the time was that he smelled like salty mashed potatoes, most likely due to the wettening. He attempted to roll over onto his back to better survey the situation.  Chaz soon realized he could not. Straining his face in a way that loosened some of the stickiness, he managed to turn his head 69 degrees, only to realize the horror.
There was an Okapi on his back. Not dead, alive and breathing, obviously wearing the pants in this symbiotic relationship due to the fact that this beast was squishing him. The two unfortunate individuals were fused at the spine somehow. Suddenly, memories started to come back to him: a bottle of superglue flashed before his eyes, the Okapi he was now in an unholy union with also emerged from his subconscious, and finally a figure appeared that chilled him to the bone. He looked like a Jackson 5 wannabe whose dreams were crushed because of his skin pigment. A tall, Caucasian shmuck that had an afro on his head which looked like it could be attached with merely Velcro. This man sent chills up his spine. Out of his peripherals, his flashback became reality as Chaz realized this man was standing next to him.
“You! Up there! What is your name?”, Chaz asked faintly.
“Hey, Chaz you’re up! Don’t you remember me?” said the figure.
“N-no, I don’t. How do know my name? And do you have anything to do with that”, Chaz questioned, as his eyes motioned to his spinal companion.
“Well, my name’s Steve, but you should totally call me Yaya for all instance and purposes”, replied Steve Yaya.
“And yeah, the Okapi’s my work”, Yaya said proudly
“Remember how I approached you in the Burger King, asking you advice for a level I was working on? Our combined ideas found a great place for the gem, but then those 2 vacationing Eskimos came over and taunted us for playing an old shockwave game about a treasure collecting squirrel. You, in your somewhat naïve swagger, called their bluff and challenged them to find the gem. When they failed to do so, we were such good sports that we offered them a rematch. In charades”, explained Yaya.
“I suck at charades”, muttered Chaz, with the weight of the Okapi slowly crushing his windpipe.
“Yeah I know you did”, answered Yaya
“That’s why I thought how to answer the clues, and you performed them. Don’t you remember when we had to impersonate Speed 2: Cruise Control, and decided the best way to do so was to superglue a live Okapi to your back? We would’ve won, but you needed to take your shirt off to keep the Okapi from chafing and we were kicked out of the restaurant due to dress code violation. You were so parched from the realistic expression; you drank some Superglue of Doom and passed out. You probably suffered brain damage.”
“You… let me drink Super Glue?” asked Chaz
“I tried to warn you, but you insisted. I mean it prided itself in using the word “doom”, wasn’t that enough of a warning?” asked Yaya
“You… glued an Okapi to me?”, rhetorically asked Chaz
“I-I-I WILL KILL YOU! I’ve been sitting here awhile, I imagine this Okapi’s bladder is ready for IMINENT RELEASE, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT!” he warned
“That sounds like a threat”, responded Yaya with a kick. Same spot, different person, thought Chaz as that familiar wet feeling returned.
***
Chaz woke up, and tried standing up immediately, his entire body nearly buckling under the Okapi’s girth. His tongue was finally freed from his mouth’s roof, allowing him to fully scold Yaya.
“First, you Okapitize me, then allow me to drink poison, and finally make me soil myself?!??! I’m afraid I will have to remove you from society. Chaz began to spin to gain momentum, and the Okapi unwillingly delivered a backhoof to Yaya’s temple. He was down and out.
***
Yaya woke exactly where he had been assaulted. He looked up to see an awkward looking Chaz.
“Yeah…” said a sheepish Chaz
“I tried carrying your limp body away, but this Okapi is pretty damn heavy. I think I pulled a hammy. Now here comes the err… needy part. Could you carry me to this address, but accept the fact that I’m taking you hostage? Pleeaasee?” whined Chaz
“Fine. If I wasn’t doing this, I’d just be on the Interguild anyways”, said Yaya
A grunting Yaya, bearing the weight of a man-Okapi -fusion reached the address Chaz had told him. It was Chaz’s residence. Chaz directed Yaya to the Okapi stable he had built in his backyard, in case the day every came where he was neither man nor Okapi, and need to live on the fringes of his 1 acre property, also known as his back left corner. Chaz promptly locked the door and strapped the tired Yaya into a chair with a computer in front of it.
“Surf Youtube or something while I figure out what to do you with you. I once lived, I cannot do that anymore because of you, so I’m gonna have to think of something punishing”, explained Chaz.
“Dude the Okapi’s just superglued on there. It might hurt, but I can yank if off, despite the “doom” suffix”, claimed Yaya.
“SHUTTUP! YOU LIE GUDAMMIT!” screamed Chaz
“I CAN’T LOOK AT MYSELF BECAUSE OF YOU! USE THE COMPUTER WHILE I FATHOM YOUR PUNISHMENT!”
Yaya went to work, trying to tell his Interguild friends his dilemma via a level  suggesting his problem. Nobody caught on.
Days past and nobody had commented on his Hostage Situation. He became desperate. Knowing no other option, he made a deal with Teh Shos. Teh Shos told him to make a level in his desired format, and Shos would “cure” Chaz of his “plague”.
When Yaya alerted Shos that he was done making his offering, the stable began to shimmer, and the hostage and his mutant captor were teleported to Shos’ playground. The realm stank of Okapi bodily functions.  Yaya and Chaz’s noses’ cringed at the smell, the beast on Chaz’s back of course had no grieviences.
“Good job on the level”, boomed Teh Shos
“Of course, it still is uber-cheatable, though. Anyways, you fulfilled your end, what do you desire?” he asked.
“Uh, this shmuck next to me wants this Okapi off his back. I used some Superglue of Doom”, responded Yaya
“He has an Okapi doomingly glued onto his back for eternity? How kinky” muttered Shos.
“Look, I don’t understand why you don’t like this merging, Chazz, but Yaya did fulfill my request, and his gem relocation’s title made me and my plethora of dogs chuckle. So I guess I can separate you.
Yaya, Chaz, and the Okapi were back in the stable, all separate sentient beings once again. While Chaz was jumping up and down in joy, and the Okapi was relieving itself on the floor, Yaya was typing away on the computer.
“Wait, what are you typing?” asked Chazz
“Oh nothing”, said Yaya, only adding to the suspicion.
“Hold on! Eskimos? Okapi feces? Superglue? This is my life story!” exclaimed Chaz
“Yeah, I wanted to enter Pentathlon Round 5, this seemed fitting and conjunctivitis”, explained Yaya.
“Not on my watch, I don’t have mammal on my back anymore, so I can aptly kick your ass right now!” warned Chaz.
Somewhere, Quirvy, Thomas, and Bmwsu began to cry and want fetal spooning upon the mention of the word “ass”.
“You can’t say that, Chaz!” screamed Yaya
Yaya promptly banished Chaz to The Nightosphere, an action that got no attention also. Than the story began to catch up with current time as Yaya was getting ready to submit the story, almost to the point where what he was typing was happening so to avoid any fourth wall breakage, he promptly ended the story with a
FIN
[?] Karma: 0
User Comments (2)
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POLL: Does this story rock?

Yes  
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No  
2 votes - 22%
Purple Okapis  
6 votes - 67%
1 votes - 11%
Total Votes: 9
Livio
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Saturday, August 6 2011, 4:46 pm EST

Age: 29
Karma: 470
Posts: 9620
Gender: Male
Location: Arizona, USA
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How many times was there "a wettening" in this story?
Yaya
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Sunday, August 14 2011, 3:55 pm EST

Age: 26
Karma: 747
Posts: 5367
Location: Ohio (US)
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Twice. Thanks for the constructive criticism and stuff.



COMING SOON: A giant meteor. Please.
Give me +karma. Give me +karma.

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