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« aych bee's Blog

Everyone knows that the interguild is full of dudes, and a common wish among dudes, especially young dudes in their 20s, is to appear attractive to women or other dudes (or whoever you're interested in). However, the general population of the Interguild tends to lean towards the nerdier side, so it is much more likely that you spent your teenage years writing JavaScript code than determining the trendiest brand of jeans. Fortunately, the Internet is full of advice for almost every facet of your life, and now you have to look no further than the Interguild to find the best ways to be attractive.

1.) Shower
Showering at least once a day is a must for anyone who wants to appear attractive. You may think that this is obvious, but you would be surprised as to how many people cannot grasp this concept.

2.) Light pink sweatshirt
This is the #1 must-have item in the closet of every man. KEEP IN MIND that the precise shade of pink is very important (no, CSD, you still cannot get away with wearing fuchsia). The colour should be lighter than that of cotton candy, yet not so light that it can't be discerned as pink. This could either be a sweatshirt or a hoodie, but the material must be fleece. If it is a hoodie, then it should preferably not have pockets. The sweater must be unadorned. It should not have any graphics or text and especially not the initials of fraternities (sorry not sorry, but fraternities contribute nothing to society).

3.) NO suits
Gentlemen's magazines may deceive you into believing that people find suits attractive, and that nobody can resist a man in a suit. This is wrong. Inside every dapper suit is a smelly, overheated man who wants nothing more than for togas to become socially acceptable to wear. Suits indicate that you are conformist and probably have no original thoughts of your own. Managers love suits because they know that people who wear suits are more likely to listen to them. Finally, there is nothing that damages your reputation more than an ill-fitting suit. Suits cause too many problems, so you should avoid them altogether.

4.) Hairstyles
To be honest, I don't know a lot about men's hairstyles, so the only thing I feel qualified to say is AVOID MANBUNS. The only dude I know with a manbun is also the most similar person to Patrick Bateman that I have ever met. I will never watch american psycho because I am afraid of R-rated movies, but I have watched the business card scene and it was frightening how similar he was to that person in hindsight. (btw, it was ridiculous how they decided to use fake font names in that scene: did you really think that nobody would notice???)

5.) Skateboard
The best way to show that you're a cool, confident dude is to get around with a skateboard. Everybody loves skateboarders and they also move faster than people who just walk or run. You could also get a longboard, which is similar to a skateboard but you can't do as many tricks on them. Most non-skateboarders (like me) can't tell the difference between skateboards and longboards, so you could probably get away with using a longboard and calling it a skateboard.

6.) No rating women, men, or yourself on the 1-10 scale
The magical thing about the 1-10 scale is that using it automatically drops your own attractiveness to 0. The 1-10 scale is not scientifically reliable and should never be used in any context.

TBC
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User Comments (26)
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Rocketguy2
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 6:34 am EST
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Spoiler:


Have an issue with suits, do you?

This might actually be the first picture of me on the interguild, so I'll probably regret this


Can you feel your heart burning?
Can you feel the struggle within?
The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make, you cannot kill me in a way that matters
Isa
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 8:41 am EST
No. I'm an octopus.

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im off to a decent start so thats good. time to make investments
jellsprout
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 11:18 am EST
Lord of Sprout Tower

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Quote:
2.) Light pink sweatshirt
This is the #1 must-have item in the closet of every man. KEEP IN MIND that the precise shade of pink is very important (no, CSD, you still cannot get away with wearing fuchsia). The colour should be lighter than that of cotton candy, yet not so light that it can't be discerned as pink. This could either be a sweatshirt or a hoodie, but the material must be fleece. If it is a hoodie, then it should preferably not have pockets. The sweater must be unadorned. It should not have any graphics or text and especially not the initials of fraternities (sorry not sorry, but fraternities contribute nothing to society).


But it's 30 degrees...

And nobody rates on the 0-10 scale anymore. It is all boolian now, either yes or no.


Spoiler:
Yaya
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 12:23 pm EST

Age: 25
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Why did I think Rocketguy & Bang Jan were Asian until now? Am I conflating them with Sup Mus? Is he also not Asian?



COMING SOON: A giant meteor. Please.
Give me +karma. Give me +karma.
soccerboy13542
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 2:06 pm EST
~*~Soccer~*~

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HB said:
6.) No rating women, men, or yourself on the 1-10 scale


This is why I use the 14-23 scale.


Livio said:
You know, I was thinking of getting an internship at Microsoft, but I'm not sure I want their lameness to rub off on me.
jellsprout
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 4:43 pm EST
Lord of Sprout Tower

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Yaya said:
Why did I think Rocketguy & Bang Jan were Asian until now? Am I conflating them with Sup Mus? Is he also not Asian?


Shos is Asian.


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aych bee
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Saturday, June 30 2018, 5:15 pm EST
when i am king

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RG2, is that vintage?

Re Jell: If people can wear Canada Goose when it's 5 (or even 12) degrees out, then you can wear a light pink sweatshirt at 30 degrees. Actually with the depletion of the ozone layer it is the perfect item for the summer. You can cover up your arms and lighter shades reflect more UV rays because they have a higher albedo. Usually people wear khaki shorts or denim cutoffs with these hoodies, but just make sure they're on the baggy side because if your legs are skinny enough the pant legs will form shadows that protect your legs from the sun. Or you can pair them with acid-wash jeans.

Be careful Soccerboy, people might think you are referring to ages, which would be very very creepy. I forgot another point: NEVER use the half-your-age-plus-7 rule. That rule is only used by creeps. The real rule should be half-your-age-plus 12, and if your age returns a number that is higher than your actual age, that means you're not old enough to be dating in the first place. For example, the original rule implies that I can be dated by a 24-year-old. A 24-year-old is very old. They may have a 9-5 office job, or even a mortgage. They may have studied quantum field theory, while the most that I know about Einstein's theories is that time dilation is a consequence of moving at speeds close to the speed of light. The difference in maturity is simply too large.


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Rocketguy2
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Sunday, July 1 2018, 6:58 am EST
God wishes he was me

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Yaya said:
Why did I think Rocketguy & Bang Jan were Asian until now? Am I conflating them with Sup Mus? Is he also not Asian?


I seem to remember somewhere that somebody thought that me and bang_jan were Singaporean, I'll try and find it


Can you feel your heart burning?
Can you feel the struggle within?
The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make, you cannot kill me in a way that matters
aych bee
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Sunday, July 1 2018, 3:15 pm EST
when i am king

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Lol that was me, in the yimmy thread where I posted my opinions on every interguild member


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aych bee
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Sunday, July 1 2018, 4:06 pm EST
when i am king

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Okay guys, since the importance of the light pink sweatshirt is absolutely tantamount, I have decided to compile a gallery of what is acceptable and what isn't.

https://image.dhgate.com/0x0/f2/albu/g5/M01/3A/09/rBVaJFlF49SAHJ4IAABbDwmp5fY300.jpg
THIS IS A SHIRT WITH A PICTURE OF A CARTOON DABBER ON IT. NO. NO. NO.

https://smhttp-ssl-33667.nexcesscdn.net/media/catalog/product/cache/1/small_image/533x/040ec09b1e35df139433887a97daa66f/c/a/carharrtwip-holbrook-lt-sweatshirt-pink-1633712575745_041.jpg
Not only does the material appear to not be fleece, but there is also a black collar. No.

https://www.gfnclothing.com/images/anarchy-dust-pink-hood-p306-1303_medium.jpg
That is not pink. That is mauve, and the sleeves have some sort of patterned design on them.

https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1WkNzJpXXXXbgXpXXq6xXFXXXU/NEW-2015-Fashion-Trend-Men-Hoodies-Kanye-West-Long-Sleeve-Sport-Hoodies-bape-Streetwear-Pink-Sweatshirt.jpg
Opinions on Kanye West aside, this one would actually be fine if it weren't so red.

https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/73148ef8-4fdb-4260-bc1b-d01ffe687e70_1.02a88d76bb334f5cadad4ca042644dfa.jpeg?odnHeight=450&odnWidth=450&odnBg=FFFFFF
Fine if you want a hoodie, but you will want to do some adjustments to remove the pocket. Nobody has to know it's from Walmart if you don't tell them.

https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1dKpQMXXXXXavXVXXq6xXFXXX5/2017-Hot-Sale-Mens-Hip-Hop-Hoodies-Sweatshirt-Loose-Pink-Pullover-Men-Hoodie-Streetwear-Cool-Hoodies.jpg
This is the classic light pink sweatshirt.


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Jorster
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Sunday, July 1 2018, 7:40 pm EST
mfw

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How to be attractive: look like this
https://imgur.com/a/Y8ouIRu


shos
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Monday, July 2 2018, 5:45 pm EST
~Jack of all trades~

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RG you are sooooo fabulous
astonishingly
Jory you are such a cutie
I have some embarassing photos of my own from young times

maybe next week


aych bee
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Thursday, July 12 2018, 1:39 am EST
when i am king

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7.) Wear serious trousers
What must a pair of trousers possess in order to qualify as serious? First of all, it MUST HAVE A ZIPPER AND A BUTTON. Pull-on pants are not serious and never will be. Non-serious trousers include sweatpants, leggings/tights, swimming trunks and boxers that you're wearing as shorts for some weird reason that only you understand. Another important point is that any pair of trousers must contain a maximum of four (4) pockets: at most 2 in the back and 2 in the front. Cargo pants may be convenient, but they are not considered to be acceptable by the general population. If you really need to carry that much stuff, try investing in a stylish purse or handbag. Jeans are an excellent choice of trousers, but they may not be appropriate in very serious or formal situations, such as a business meeting or a funeral. You should try to invest in a few pairs of dress pants for special occasions.

In case you haven't noticed, the advice in this topic is geared towards people who work as programmers in cubicles, not wall street investors or bureaucrats, who have an entirely different dress code. Jeans should also be a reasonable colour, you can never go wrong with classic navy but black jeans are also okay (be warned that they may make you look emo if the rest of your outfit is not properly coordinated). JEANS SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY RIPS IN THEM. They should also have a reasonable fit and cut, just google JNCO for an example of what not to do. People who wear JNCO don't wash their hair, permanently smell like herbs, and the holes for the spiral binding in their notebooks are tearing apart at the bottom. If you want to show that you're a young dude who doesn't plan on making significant changes to their weight, then you can probably get away with not wearing a belt. However, if you want to be a serious dude who gets taken seriously, a belt is necessary, just make sure that it is not made of cardboard disguised as leather by a thin coat of acrylic paint. Real leather is not necessary (and possibly morally ambiguous), but the quality of the material should be decent.


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jellsprout
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Friday, July 13 2018, 12:04 pm EST
Lord of Sprout Tower

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Clearly you have never seen me without my trousers on.


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aych bee
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Friday, July 13 2018, 6:06 pm EST
when i am king

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No thx Jellsprout, nobody is interested in that


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aych bee
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Friday, July 13 2018, 10:29 pm EST
when i am king

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8.) Piercings
Piercings are a controversial topic. The general rule of thumb is that you should have no more than a total of ten (8) holes on your face. Your ears are not a part of your face, so you may have as many ear piercings as you want. For a normal, conventional human being with two eyes, two nostrils, and a mouth, this limits you to three artificial piercings. Any more than that and you will only be attractive to metal detectors. The other important point is symmetry: All of your piercings must be symmetrical. If you have a ring on one nostril, then you must also have another ring on the other nostril, because studies have shown that symmetrical faces tend to be more attractive. If your septum was ripped apart in a catastrophic machinery accident, then you would only have four holes on your face, so you would be entitled to another piercing. Piercings must be hygienic and reversible. Septicaemia is highly unattractive to potential partners, and ear gauges will never be able to fill the existential void in your soul, no matter how large you make them.


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aych bee
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Saturday, July 14 2018, 9:29 pm EST
when i am king

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9.) Shoes
What many people don't realize is that shoes are actually a utilitarian object. The primary purpose of shoes is to separate your feet from the ground, not to be looked at. One important quality of a shoe is that it MUST be comfortable. Therefore high heels are not shoes, and neither are those lame "fashion" shoes made of cardboard with no arch support that you sometimes see at clothing retailers. This is not to say that you should spend all of your time wearing the dirty old sneakers that have conformed to the exact shape of your foot. If you are a cool, confident person, then shy people will inevitably look at your shoes, as they may be afraid of looking into your eyes due to the overwhelming charisma emanating from your gaze. Never wear neon-coloured rubber gym shoes unless you are certainly, without any doubt, going to start exercising within the next 15 minutes. Those are the least stylish type of shoe. You may have been traumatized in your childhood by being forced to wear these shoes by your parents in sizes that are too large for you. If you're not sure if you're going to start running within the next 15 minutes, just keep a pair in your stylish purse (the one that you bought after reading point 7) at all times for emergencies, such as when your ex shows up at the office where you work your 9-5 programming job and you need to run far, far away. If you live in a rainy environment, try investing in some rain-resistant outdoor boots (which are usually in neutral earth tones, to prevent you from being noticed by wild animals) instead of wearing plastic wellingtons that clash with every other item in your wardrobe. Combat boots are not to be worn unless you are actually in combat. In the summer, try wearing some stylish boat shoes, or elegant sandals. Clunky sandals with leather straps are not elegant, and gladiator sandals should not be worn unless you are actually a gladiator.


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Rocketguy2
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Wednesday, July 25 2018, 12:55 pm EST
God wishes he was me

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Can you feel your heart burning?
Can you feel the struggle within?
The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make, you cannot kill me in a way that matters
aych bee
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Thursday, July 26 2018, 2:16 am EST
when i am king

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coolness and attractiveness are not necessarily mutually inclusive sir


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Rocketguy2
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Thursday, July 26 2018, 5:31 am EST
God wishes he was me

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not with that attitude


Can you feel your heart burning?
Can you feel the struggle within?
The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make, you cannot kill me in a way that matters
aych bee
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Thursday, July 26 2018, 7:37 pm EST
when i am king

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i am sorry sir but you are incorrectamundo as brad pitt is commonly considered to be attractive although i would disagree with that statement yet he is highly uncool, whereas quasimodo is unattractive yet clearly very cool


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jellsprout
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Monday, July 30 2018, 3:11 pm EST
Lord of Sprout Tower

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aych bee said:
brad pitt is commonly considered to be attractive


But that don't impress me much. So he got the looks, but has he got the touch?


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soccerboy13542
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Monday, July 30 2018, 9:16 pm EST
~*~Soccer~*~

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uhhhh


Livio said:
You know, I was thinking of getting an internship at Microsoft, but I'm not sure I want their lameness to rub off on me.
Isa
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Tuesday, July 31 2018, 3:33 am EST
No. I'm an octopus.

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now dont get me wrong - yeah i think he's alright, but that wont get me warm in the middle of the night
aych bee
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Tuesday, July 31 2018, 7:27 pm EST
when i am king

Age: 100
Karma: 146
Posts: 996
Gender: Female
Location: you will be first against the wall
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now kiss


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